why is mothbaby mad today you ask?

i'm a pretty well-tempered person most days, but i often feel like i don't have a great outlet for anger. when i'm mad I feel like an uncontrollable ball of fire and i'm afraid of hurting the people around me or influencing them negatively. so i figure it's maybe a good idea to put that anger somewhere i can express it and leave it.


i got mad bc my partner skipped therapy for the second time in a row. we talked about it which made me less mad but also i need to realize his mental health journey is not mine...we approach mental health so differently it can be tough

1-10-21 mothbaby is kinda mad? mostly annoyed

since i've started sending and receiving a lot more emails i'm noticing how people will let their negativity leak out all over you. like whats with the uber condescending tone. literally nothing matters have you not figured that out yet. some people dont realize i'm literally also just a student and my whole job is not a job I get paid to do for 7 hours a week (usually doing more than that unpaid), and that i also have another job and school on top of that. but im trying not to let it get to me, some people are just rude.

other people are very sweet over email and it totally makes my day. most people are very sweet and cute, but you get a few sour apples.

1-7-2021 college, systems, rules

phew, my fucking capstone college class for one of my majors (the one i dislike more) is gonna be a real hassle. i do not understand why professors take their positions and use them to just be a real dick to their students. especially during a pandemic come on. my professor for this class is the department chair and i've had so many negative experiences with him over the last few years. when i complained about one of the professors saying very sexist things to me and shutting down my ideas in class, he did the classic liberal move of listening and documenting, yet if i didn't go through Title IX and do a full investigation, i would see no change. I didn't go through title IX bc that is a hassle and I know i didnt have enough "evidence" in the school's eyes.

anyway, for this 2 credit hour course that is supposed to be designed to prepare us for our professional life after graduation, we have to buy a textbook about ethics and complete regularly readings and assignments. I wish so badly someone teaching this courses wasn't a washed up old white guy who has been in his cozy academic job for the last 10 years. Why would you assign readings and busy work when there is actually a lot of real work that needs to be done to get a job after graduation. Why don't you make your students write a resume and complete job applications for the class? That is what I'll be doing this semester anyway. Now thanks to this dipshit it's gonna be much more time consuming bc I have to complete his bullshit assignments on top of the work that is required to get a job during a pandemic.

I'm constantly frustrated by the anti-productive bureaucracy that we live in. College seems like a perfect example of this. The rule structure that exists is an attempt to reflect real life right? It's created to deal with hypothetical real life situations that are bound to come up. Take me complaining to my department chair about a sexist professor for example. It's supposed to "empower" people to be active in a situation that they don't have real authority over. However, the issue is the rule systems don't reflect actual reality. There are so many exceptions and new rules being created to fill those exceptions etc. To the point that we have this detached structure that acts as if it can solve any real life issue. But it's just not possible to deal with life so calculated and bureaucratically. What it really does is make sure nothing ever changes because any issue you have can at at least be properly documented and then bam. it's done with.

but there's no actual change. everything is mediated through these systems that don't allow us to have actual conflict anymore. the powerful remain unchecked. that dipshit professor is still tenured even though i swear no one has learned a thing in a class with him.

I feel better now, going to hug my friends today.