4/24/23

reading crazy emails coming to my work bc a trans person spoke on campus, literally brain numbing how rotted and hateful ppl are.

ANYWAY, I worked out before work this morning and kinda liked it? It was so early that I couldn't even think about how working out sucks bc my brain was not working yet.

had an awesome epic party over the weekend. i love seeing all my friends and meeting new folks at my house it's so lovely

4/17/24

got grossly harassed on my street yesterday just going for a walk. it was really upsetting and frustrating bc I just started to feel more confident about walking alone in my neighborhood. and I like want to respect my neighbors but not when they do shit like that! it sucks to feel like you can't say hello or look at people when on a walk in your own neighborhood.

4/16/24

tried a "celsius" at work today bc my coworkers are all obsessed, barely drank half of it and im so caffinated i cannot focus.

registered for my fall classes today! very excited about it, although I will have to be on campus for 12 hours on tuesdays lol.

i think doing regular cardio is actually getting me into shape which is awesome and crazy, and something i've been wanting to accomplish for literal years. it feels really good to finally be doing it.

4/10/24

another day, another how do i pass the time at work...

a huge truck was blocking my car in in the alleyway this am. it made me so angry.

4/9/24

had a really good but super busy weekend. saw many of my dear friends that I love, and my heart grew. the eclipse was freaking awesome. we went to a random conservation area to see it and it ended up being this beautiful open prairie with hardly anyone else there. I didn't even feel all that anxious about skipping work.

I managed to work out everyday last week which felt great. im stewing on what creative project I want to do next.

4/2/24

about to become a jump roper. hoping i will finally get into better shape through jump rope. i hate running but know i need cardio so this is a good replacement i think.

jump rope youtube is really funny.

3/26/24

listened to 7 hours of Dune Messiah and knitted a bunch yesterday. i'm so eager to finish my sweater, I feel like I can't start or work on anything else in my life until it's done. I'm so close now.

3/21/24

feel much better today. I think im officially done with covid. my brain feels balanced again.

3/20/24

going crazy due to covid isolation. it's confusing when I can be around people again

3/19/24

back to work :/ I still feel fairly out of it but I'm hoping that is due to being in my house for 5 days straight.

last night my partner was talking in his sleep and I woke up and said "what?" and it sounded like he said "bird sizes" and then put his forehead against mine and fell asleep lol

I just applied to grad school im so pleased to have that over with!

3/18/24

covid has not defeated me, and i'm finally out of isolation. and i've knitted like half a sweater. and i'm finally going to the chiropractor today. things are on the up and up for team mothbaby. the weather simply needs to warm up! and we will be so back.

sadly my counterpart is sick with covid and I shall take care of him. we are watching so much survivor it's a great show. would recommend.

3/12/24

highly enjoying dune audiobook. listening to it lots and speedily knitting a sweater. getting my haircut after work, excited for that but also have a bit of a migraine due to being at work. my annoying coworker is also a zionist and this came to light while I was extremely hungry and being forced to put lunch off bc she was asking everyone for help and it made me so angry. i dislike her so much it's very challenging.

I have been anxious about food lately. not for like "healthy" reasons but mostly because I am trying to eat out much less. but then i also have to juggle sharing grocery and cooking duties with my partner who has much less freetime than me. and my mood is so dependent on me being well fed that it complicates things even more, which is why i think i spend so much on going out to eat anyway because it's convenient and im not willing to risk getting extremely hangry. or when im extremely hangry i just go out to eat to solve the problem. i just need to be more proactive about feeding myself.

3/7/24

feeling crazy this am. i hate the wet and cold weather. i have nothing to do at work except listen to podcasts and play stupid cookie clicker games. im thinking of listening to the dune audiobooks. i've only ever been able to listen to autobiographies so this may be a fail, im not a very auditory processor. generally prefer to read with my eyes.

going to a chiropractor for my jaw next week. i hope it helps.

2/21/24

i think i got selected to do a market research study for a new toothbrush and they are gonna pay me a lot of money to use a different toothbrush for 8 months, i'm stoked.

2/20/24

feeling generally much better this week. aquarius season finally over!! the fixed signs need a break!

had a lovely craft night with my friend yesterday. it was really nice and inspired me!

i'm attempting to use my knitting skills to make merch for my bf's band. excited to be more creative in my knitting.

i watched iron claw this weekend it was really good and really sad! cannot believe that is a true story. follow me on letterboxed if you want @leshauck

ALSO I FINISHED MY ESSAY FOR MY GRAD SCHOOL APPLICATION YAY IM BASICALLY DONE WITH THE WHOLE APPLICATION :)

2/13/24

obsessively listening to this podcast from these two tik tok comedians. it's called nevermind. its making me want to start a podcast or make more tik toks.

the moment open mic last night was also really inspiring! I went home and tried to write a song on guitar but i couldn't get any decent lyrics coming to me. writing is weird and hard and i know everyone is like "its something you have to practice"! but what i do is write like one poem or song a year when I'm at some emotional peak and then i usually really like it and just ride that high until the next year. it's nearly time for my new yearly writing!

2/8/24

extremely tired at work. probably going to go home with a "migraine" after lunch...need a nap

feeling much better. yoga was good yesterday and i always enjoy getting together with the zine crew. excited for the weekend there are like 50 million things going on. all the better reason for me to get an early start by going home early today!

2/6/24

weirdness continues. Im so good at like continuing to complete tasks that I never properly rot when im depressed. like the continual need to complete things (even if it's like, feeding my farm animals in stardew or knitting) just keeps me going but then I don't realize how im actually feeling. I think there is value in a proper rot that I'm missing out on....

2/5/24

feeling weird lately and unmotivated. I wish when I worked from home I could just commit to not actually working and not worry about being available if anyone needs me. I'm going to try to ride my bike this afternoon and be temporarily unavailable.

money is stressing me out. I have to pay my car insurance and I'm really just barely breaking even every paycheck. having a hard time actually limiting my spending too...

1/31/24

my coworker trauma dumped to me about her nightmares and her friend breakup, I'm just like polite and normal to her and she is somehow reading it as an invitation to tell me about her crazy psyche...she was literally like "idk why im telling you this but i feel like we're the same, but im just more psycho" and it's just wild because i have not opened up to her at all. im just like a mirror for her somehow? i dont understand and don't know how to professionally be like "i dont want to hear about your toxic relationships 24/7 and you scare me"

on the flip side I do think people naturally feel comfortable opening up to me which is part of why I want to become a counselor! but like, im not your work therapist pleasseeee

1/30/24

i keep having nightmares that are just so clearly symbolic of childhood trauma it's like, annoyingly obvious. like damn i gotta deal with this shit again, fine. not helpful that I ghosted my therapist (it was not a good fit) but I think I can do some self-therapizing

i practiced guitar for the first time in a looong time and it felt great. i'm thinking about playing a song at the zine release!

getting a tattoo on thursday from a friend that i won in a raffle! stoked about it

something im grateful for at work is that people have normalized walking around in your socks in our office (it's carpeted, and not like gross) and also wearing blankets. it gives everything a much cozier vibe.

1/28/24

today I replaced my car battery that was leaking and uber corroded. I had to buy new terminal connectors and replace them. I’m proud of myself for doing it so much cheaper than going to a mechanic!

also bought a bong, pretty awesome. Went to all you can eat sushi and I’m so full

1/25/24

my lockjaw is much better but still not totally gone. i hope this doesnt happen again...i don't want to have to get an expensive mouth guard for sleeping.

last night at yoga we had a diff teacher than normal and she had a very serious vibe, but i did get a great work out. then I went to hang with a friend and we made a gift for his gf (and my bestie) to memorialize her recently passed cat. i think she will really like it. and then we finished a puzzle! it was pretty awesome.

Im looking forward to working from home tomorrow. I have little to do this week at work and have been super bored.

1/23/24

i keep waking up with one side of my jaw locked up. it sucks i can hardly eat in the morning bc i cant open my mouth.

im sure this is in no way related to my mental state atm...

1/19/24

been feeling kinda crazy. i think im pmsing. feeling very up and down.

saturday there is a big astrological shift happening. Pluto is moving out of Capricorn and into Aquarius. big for transformations and upheaval.

1/4/24

been having some big ~realizations~ that are kinda hard but ultimately good. it feels good to have some fresh perspective. i've felt really in touch with my emotions and been super honest with people in my life in a way that feels good. cried in front of more people in the last few days than i have in awhile!

1/3/24

lots of things have occurred in the last couple weeks. having two weeks off work was the most amazing and wonderful thing ever. I am back today sadly but at least it's a short week and I start working from home.

my nye party was great and im thankful i got to see so many friends for the new year. one of my friends broke up with their long term partner and another one of my friends is getting engaged. feels like lots of quick sudden changing things happened recently.

one of my good friends got really bad unexpected news that her cat has to be put down and it's really sad and awful. i took pictures of her and her cat yesterday, it was really emotional but it felt good to be there for her. i can only imagine the grief shes going through. but we did talk about how much of a reminder it is that everything can change very suddenly. and how that can be really overwhelming because there are endless possibilities of things that could randomly happen. but also the fact that those possibilities are endless also makes it pointless to worry about...you may as well enjoy the present and enjoy the company of the people (and critters) you love while you can.

another one of my friends is in crisis too and its kinda exhausting. recurring pattern in my life is that I am the support friend when people are in crisis, which is something I do think I'm good at and often enjoy providing meaningful support. and I do feel grateful to not be in crisis myself! but also can be a balancing act to not drain myself emotionally.

im grateful too for my partner and the fact that i have a loving restorative and supportive home to return to everyday. we had a really great four year anniversary celebration and have been feeling super connected.