12/12/23

anyone else feeling really ~intensely~ recently?

12/5/23

greetings flounderers! how is everyone? enjoying your online scrolling today? I hope so!

im going to see the new hunger games tonight with my bestie, excited about that. yoga tomorrow with other bestie, also excited for that. had a good session with my therapist that I was previously feeling unsure about so that's cool. getting my christmas gifts together, making a lot of them myself which is cool but also a little stressful, but mostly just an excuse to do something creative.

i think everyone in my office is on their period right now (myself included) which is funny bc every time I go to the bathroom I hear crumbling paper from the stall next to me. I think it would be funny to be like "right there with ya!" but im not gonna do that lmao

11/28/23

wow I actually had work to do today, crazy, but of course i still have time to write to the Flounderverse.

had a really nice craft night with E and E last night. felt like a good way to start the week. also went to yoga, feeling healthy! which is great bc ive been eating a lot of shit recently and feeling bad bc of it. will hopefully be eating better as soon as i get groceries.

going to my second therapy appointment tonight, not sure how i feel about my therapist yet. she's really young and still in school for therapy. also after my first session i was like oh actually i think I figured out the thing I wanted to figure out through therapy hahaha. but ill keep going and see what comes of it for now.

one of my besties met a guy (in real life! not online!) who told her he wants to pay her for her to text him, when she's about to have sex with someone else, and tell him to put his chastity belt on. all she has to do is text him, no real life encounters. this world we live in contains so much.

11/27/23

yet another day of looking at my computer pretending to be working. ordered a bunch of yarn bc cyber monday :0 i'm almost done knitting a gift for a friend that i'm pumped about. Now im trying to decide how many gifts i should knit bc it can end up being a whole ordeal and stressful......but also i love giving handmade gifts.

i literally have three projects lined up just for stuff im making for me hehe

im so close to reaching perfection on stardew valley. all that is left is buying the gold clock and reaching max hearts with all the villagers. i feel like i will achieve that in the next two in-game seasons. what will become of my life after this....

11/13/23

nothing like the monday morning rush of having saturday, sunday, AND monday crossword puzzles to do.

I hope my employer isnt reading this but I have probably done a sum of 30 minutes of work today. how to not feel trapped at work behind desk for 8 hours how to use large amount of time when it has to be at one place and also on the computer

11/8/23

I want to make a t shirt quilt. that is my next sewing project. i have so many shirts with sentimental value that i don't want to get rid of.

started the process of getting a new therapist today. feeling good and excited about it. im simply assuming i can afford it so we will see how that goes.

11/7/23

i need to work on my receptionist persona at work. i want to embody sweet old ladies who send way too many smiley faces in emails. im deciding that is my role.

set up a meeting with a grad school admission counselor today #BigThingsComing

11/6/23

Feel like im going to be entering the rare Mothbaby's Hole (modeled after Rowen's Hole of course) I have little social energy which is so rare for me. But I think I need to listen to my body and enter the hole. I just want to play stardew and knit and cuddle my cats. I've been suuuper uninspired as of late. Like no thoughts. Blank brain. I think I need to start reading something and read at work.

11/2/23

I keep getting randomly depressed at work. I think because I don't care about work. I would like to figure out something I can do for work that I care about at least a little. my options are either go to grad school while I can get discounted tuition, or do something totally different than what im doing now. its so overwhelming to think about.

im gonna make cookies and beef stew this weekend. that is what im looking forward to.

11/1/23

overslept again today but still made it to work basically on time. idk why I keep oversleeping, I usually never do that. I'm pretty sure my alarms went off this morning too.

I really need a night of alone time so I'm gonna do that tonight even though I have obligations. I want to knit and chill and play stardew valley. also probably clean my house. my bf's little sister is coming to stay with us this weekend, im excited to see her. she loves our cats so much its very sweet. we need to think of things to do with her tho. what do 11 year olds like to do....

its crazy how most mornings at work i fully do basically nothing. i cant wait till I can work from home

10/30/23

prolly pmsing. I started getting really annoyed that I have literally nothing to do at work today and then I realized I can just watch tv on my computer.

10/27/23

overslept today because my phone wasn't plugged in and died overnight :( I woke up in a panic at 8am exactly and made it to work on time. everyone works from home on Friday's but I have to be here since I'm new. I have like one task to do today so I don't know how I'm going to fill my time. yesterday my coworker was like "you should just watch netflix or read a book" lol. I've been doing a lot of crossword puzzles at work.

last night I went to target with my friend and got a dragon costume for my cat, pretty awesome. then we went out to a bar and listened to our other friend play old timey music at this jam sesh. it was fun and sweet.

im excited for halloween weekend but also sad bc my friend has covid and I won't see him :(

10/19/23

4th day at new job. its so chill and i like it so far. i think i will be able to get my masters while im here too. i have like nothing to do today. my day has consisted in 1. the director of our department giving me coupons for emergency contraception 2. organizing a bunch of colored paper 3. shit talking a coworker that apparently no one likes 4. walking to lunch and listening to a guy evangelizing on the sidewalk

im going to chicago right after work and very excited about it. cant wait to see my friend bugleague. gonna start knitting my second sock and/or read my book on the train.

ive been playing four square lately and its awesome. i love hanging out in the garage at biggreengirl's house.

10/2/23

party was super fun and awesome but it killed my body and i am still recovering. probably not gonna drink for awhile, maybe till halloween. im sick of getting sick from it!

this is my last week at my job, crazy! i kinda forgot that im taking a week off that will be epic. i'm gonna try to do some home projects and cook/bake some autumnal recipes.

9/27/23

i have to reprimand one of my staff members today which is never fun. i have a hard time cushioning hard convos but maybe that's not a bad thing.

today is going much better than yesterday, mood wise. last night I cleaned my house and scrubbed the stains out of my rug. it was cathartic.

im so excited for my housewarming party. gonna be lit. see you there local flounderers

9/26/23

greetings flounderers of earth (and beyond)

im so sick of work and hope (and think) my new job will be better. at least change will be good. im hoping to have more time and brain space to think about what i want to do for work long term and if i want to go back to school

im excited for fall and cold weather and bonfires. im tryna be on my homemaking shit this fall/winter. gonna do some sewing, gonna do some knitting, gonna do some baking and cooking.

i only have 2 more weeks here but im so sick of managing people. i have staff that call out sick all the time and it's just not a good system and screws the rest of us who have to work. like i basically can't take sick time unless im super sick. also it sucks to tell someone like hey are you actually sick all the time because you are sick, like every week.

i wish i could live the dream life and just like foster kittens for a living. im trying to volunteer at this cat shelter by my house but it's so hard to get into the training? the next training is in like 2 months....i'm like I can scoop litter! please let me come help!

oh also getting a new tattoo soon, excited! cheers and peace on earth to all

9/19/23

things are sorta coming together again for me which is nice. i'm having a burst of personal motivation. i just put in my (three weeks) notice at my job and have my start date for my new job which is exciting. i cooked yesterday and have plans to cook two more meals this week! i successfully used my sewing machine for the first time to hem shorts. i have not many plans this week and im excited to spend time alone.

something I really think i'm learning this year is to take relationships less personally? if that makes sense. like to meet people where they are at and know that how they behave is not a reflection of myself, or necessarily how they feel about me. i think this is a really hard co-dependent thing to unlearn, but even (especially!) in my closest relationships, it's easy to project how people act as a reflection of how they feel about you. but that is so often misguided and it's like a huge sigh of relief to know that the people in my life would simply communicate if they were having an issue with me and it is not my job to try to read their mind! and it's also impossible and kind of self-centered to have that attitude.

I saw an insta reel that explained this really well and they broke it down like, if you find yourself judging someone (ie. your partner buys a different kind of bread for you and you start assuming this is because they think xyz about your diet) then it's probably good to think "wait, do I just think xyz about myself?" or "do I think xyz about my partner?" and it's a good way to stop getting other people involved in your insecurity. the conclusion of the video is the partner coming home and being like "they were out of the bread you like so I just got this instead" bc usually the answer for someone's behavior is simple and often, impersonal!

9/13/23

hard to make sense of life recently and also wondering if it's worth trying to make sense of? just #chilling has its perks. but then sometimes i have a metal breakdown and im like oh maybe i should be paying attention to how i feel lol

this is prob also bc im getting a new job and i hate uncertainty and it makes me feel frozen

adult life is so weird and there's never enough time for everything but there's so much going on which can be very fun. learning to take more me time.

im obsessed with pen15 everyone should watch it, it's the best depiction of middle school and the main friendship reminds me of my childhood friends. watching this is making me remember so many little funny things about middle school i certainly blocked out of my mind long ago.

anyway....im going to dave and busters bye!!!!!!!

8/16/23

im so bored at work. struggling to be productive at all, even to apply for other jobs. i want to take time off work so bad. im not even motivated to think about getting another job, just hoping i can get one through nepotism since that seems to be the most plausible option....

ive been doing good keeping up my working out routine. it would be nice if i could work out before work but i dont know that i am capable of having that kind of morning.

being mind numbingly bored at work is honestly worse than having a busy stressful day. i can only play online games for so long.

8/8/23

flounderers....it's been awhile!

i'm doing solidly "okay" right now. i would not say i'm thriving but i'm walking steady. i've been motivated to change my routine, and have been successfully doing so. reading more, less phone and tv. working out, trying to put a real concerted effort into getting in shape. i've been trying for like a year with no luck. this is the best i've kept a routine so far.

im doing a lot of home projects. getting our house together. i'm feeling very, earth sign vibes of staying home and doing work and grinding. not feeling as bubbly and social as i usually do. i think venus retrograde is really affecting me, and venus is my ruling planet so it makes sense! trying to use it as a good opportunity to slow down and see what needs to change.

going to take a break from weed for awhile.

i'm looking for a new job but it's been very hard. i feel like i don't have many options outside of just doing more nonprofit/fundraising stuff. i've been thinking about going to grad school for counseling or something. i'm also curious about getting into social work but i know that can a real rough job sometimes, depending on the org. also i never heard back from any of the social work jobs i applied for. my thought is now if i get another nonprofit job, i can just save up money and take some time to think about what i want long term. i could use a nonprofit job that is less demanding, and plus i really just need a change of scenery.

who knows what's next? im excited for fall and hiking more.

5/25/23

talked to a lot of mean people at work this week. i should be able to punch someone through the phone. or cyberbully mean rich white people without losing my job. committed to doing less at work recently. sick of people expecting a lot from me and my team. if they paid us more then i would do more.

i have softball tonight. we haven't won a game all season but i've been having fun playing. going to get a drink with my friends afterwards bc i miss them. i want to hold them all in my arms all the time. im doing that in my mind all the time. and everyone i don't like im spinning like a 3D object in my mind.

my brother will be in town this weekend for my dad's birthday. i love my dad, we had a nice chat on the phone. he is a very sweet kind man and just wants to talk about his plants and loves his kids.

5/1/23

mothbaby life update: work is less bad this week so that's good. i went thrifting this weekend and got some awesome stuff, including a bart simpson shirt from the youth girls section. i'm making a lot of progress knitting my shorts. they are a striking blue/green color. i think im gonna make a yellow/orange tank top to match. i held a baby chick in my hands for the first time yesterday and it made me feel a lot. i played a lot of twilight princess. i went to the experimental open mic and it rocked. idi blasks read poetry and it was awesome and hilarious and genius. makes me want to write in a more punchy style. thinking of sitting down and just cranking out stream of consciousness poetry. sometimes i do that on flounder.

4/27/23

i've been really angry for the last few days with seemingly no reason. i worked a bunch of overtime last week so i think my mind is just shot. i finally feel better today. last night i got dinner with princess jesus and then went through a bunch of my clothes and got rid of stuff so that was nice!

4/12/23

so exhausted in a lot of ways. work is killing me. i hate having so much responsibility. the team i manage is doubling this month and i have to train all the new people and i simply don't want to have to do all that!!! hoping to do some slacking off today to try and recoup my energy...

also been getting a lot of migraines and it feels like it's bc of work. i simply don't make enough money for this...trying not to feel like it's my time management skills/lack of experience making work this hard, it's tricky bc we so quickly go from slow to super super busy and its hard to anticipate what is needed.

anyway done ranting about work!!!!!!!

going to kirksville this weekend and im excited

4/7/23

taking big green girl's advice and floundering on company time (like i do every day)

talking to people on the phone all day is exhausting. i dont think i have anything to reflect on. i knitted with uncle-altoid last night and that was lovely as always. tonight im celebrating my cats first birthday with some friends. cheers to the freakin weekend.

4/6/23

2:30pm

the IT guy who runs the phone system is retiring in a week and going on a 3 month long paddling trip down the whole mo river. i really like him and will miss him. he told me today that it warms his heart to see the way ive helped change the phone system here and it feels like the perfect ending to his career :,) makes me feel proud of my work!

i want to plan a road trip soon. not sure where to go. maybe montana. maybe the smokies.

10am

yesterday i got a migraine after work i think from having 3 cups of coffee... trying to not make the same mistake today. PMS is hitting me so hard this month, my brain feels foggy, my body is tired, and i keep getting irrationally angry! i love PMDD hahaha

the show last night was awesome. i saw some of my regular show pals. someone brought a box of free clothes and i got some cool stuff from that. jw francis rocked and we talked to him afterwards, he was super nice and signed the vinyl treeprophet bought.

debating going to the show tonight. im either gonna do that, or stay home get really high and binge watch tv....both sound appealing.

4/5/23

my body still feels asleep and im on my 3rd cup of coffee. i planned to do "a bunch of work" today and im regretting that now. this is a day for sleeping. my coworker brought in a book he's making of "love and other wonderful things" and asked us to write something or put a nice picture in the book, how cute is that.

yesterday i went for a run and it was awful lmao. i ran with treeprophet and went too fast/it was hot out and i got so out of breath it was scary....hoping that doesn't discourage me to run again. thinking i should just run alone. i prefer not hearing myself breathe (loud music in my ears) and also it's easier to pace myself alone.

later we played the happy feet wii game and mario vs sonic olympic games which rocked and was funny.

tonight im going to the jw franics show, very excited bc i love that artist and had no idea they were coming to town!!

4/4/23

a moment zine's release party/open mic went great yesterday! so great to see our little community come together in person. some incredible poems were read.

i have to train and onboard 4 new employees this month and it's so daunting. i am not looking forward to it but it will also be good to have a larger team. sometimes this job is so funny and crazy. i walked through the garden today and its so beautiful this time of year, made me grateful to work here.

i want to go camping soon but my weekends are so busy :( my two really good friends are moving away and i think we should go camping before that!!! setting an intention to pick a weekend.

3/31/23

there's some sort of ominous vibe to the day, idk if it's the tornado/storm coming or the fact that i saw firemen wheeling some man into an ambulance a block away from where there was a kitchen fire at work and the building had to be evacuated.

i texted my brother who i haven't really spoken to in years, i thought I had the wrong number of his but apparently it's correct. he texted back so that's cool. family estrangement is so weird and too complicated.

tomorrow im planting plants in my dad's yard with treeprophet and then going to his cousin's play, big family day. im excited to be working outside, i've decided i want to become the Most Fit i've ever been this spring/summer. not that hard bc i've never been a regular working out person

tonight i might eat some fried fish and likely drink some beer with friends. i also want to go to the Joan Mitchell exhibit at slam at some point, we tried to go last friday but they were sold out.

3/30/23

im flounding at work, as usual. my horoscope says im entering a phase where the world's timing will align with my personal destiny. it feels important. as i get older it gets harder to plan for the future and sometimes i feel like planning is just setting yourself up for disappointment when life inevitably becomes chaotic and unpredictable. i like to think about planning for the future as generally aiming for a specific vibe/feeling. but im happy where i am and i don't know what to work on/grow towards besides doing what im doing now....why do we always feel the need to progress?

it's also hard in a world limited by time and money, if i didnt have to work 40 hours a week and if i made more money i would be living differently. now my goals are always to make/save money or try to pack the life i want to live in my time outside of work.

im so tired right now and im not sure why. i got 8 hours of sleep. i went to a weird new girl themed trivia last night. it was fun but the host made it take way too long (we left 2 hours in on round 6 of 8) and it was in a weird room with no tables and no music playing. princess jesus said it was like ellis island or the ACT and that's so funny and so true.

im going to try to go for a run after work. i think i like running now?

3/28/23

im in the most boring meeting i have all week. i like when people turn their cameras on in virtual meetings. it makes me feel more able to share

last night K came over and we talked and knitted and watched TV it was nice :) i like hearing about people's lives and feelings and drama. i have accepted my identity as a gossip, but i really think my intentions are just innocent curiosity and desire to discuss the inner workings of peoples lives! its interesting! im studying!

3/27/23

I had a good week/weekend. the warm weather is enlivening. good things coming: moving into the pink house, doing more photography, finishing my current knit project/starting my next one, playing softball and being more active

my friend is getting her heart broke right now and it hurts my heart!! I keep picturing her being sad and me hurriedly picking up all the pieces of her heart breaking off and poorly Elmer’s glue/scotch taping them back together. she has a lot of love to give and I can relate to how overwhelming it is!! it’s a funny world and all that’s constant is we love and cry and smile and laugh

i'm going to see the ducks at the park after work. im exhausted and want to make dinner and also do nothing and i simply don't have time for any of it!!

3/16/23

feeling so bleh about work lately. i think i need to find a better way to structure my work day so i don't just sit with all these abstract tasks in mind until someone asks me for something immediate and material. also just feels like i have so much to do that isn't immediate enough for me to be motivated to do it.

may have found a house to rent. it's pretty cute. i'm not 100% sure about the area, it's hard to gauge "safety" in stl.

a good reminder for myself and one of the best things i've learned to make social interaction easier is that, usually, the thing you are worrying about is never a big deal to anyone else, and if it was someone would say something about it.

3/13/23

feel crazy today! not really doing any work at work. always a lil worried about people knowing im not really working but also i dont think it matters?

im officially sick of house/apt hunting, feeling kinda dreary/scattered/bored.

last weekend i did a lot. drank too much on friday and i think i would like to set an intention to dial it back with the drinking. i hate being hungover, and i can get pretty depressed when im hungover.

saw so much live music the last few days which was good. had some overlapping plans and a lot of feeling like whatever i was doing in the moment wasn't the "right" thing? basically like fomo but the missing out could just be missing out on being home and chilling. even tho i had been home chilling all day. idk!

i think the cold weather is getting me down. i need spring to bring me some energy/motivation

im not so worried about my friend anymore bc i talked to them and expressed my concern so that's cool. love direct communication.

looking forward to getting dinner with a friend who is in town tonight!

cheers

3/7/23

currently squirming in my chair during a meeting bc my period cramps are so bad. my brain is swimming from work and looking for a new apartment/house. constantly ~communicating~ with strangers aka texting landlords/answering the phone/emailing people is so exhausting!!!

had a good weekend, had good times with friends, ate good food, danced to good music, drank good beer

i'm kinda worried about one of my friends but i also know they can take care of themselves but i also don't know how or if i can support them sometimes!

knitted with K last night and it was really nice. we talked about family trauma and i love a space where you can really get into it and it doesnt feel like trauma dumping!

i would love for my period to finally start so I can stop feeling like shit sooner!!!!!

i cant find my journal so im flounding. got high and realized that when i went grocery shopping i was so hangry with spaghetti and vegan meatballs on my mind that all i bought were pasta ingredients. anyway

3/3/23

March vibezzz. work takes up sooo much of my time but its friday and the weekend so im excited. going to get my bangs trimmed at my new hairdresser who i really like. before her i went to someone who clearly didn't get the "i want a boy haircut" vibe

i keep thinking about how i want to read a book but im not taking any steps to actually doing that. im thinking of listening to an audio book so i can do it while knitting but that feels like cheating to me

maybe i will go to the library this weekend

Izzy and i are looking at houses. im excited to move. there are a lot of cute houses but i hate the anxiety of moving i just want it to happen and be done

2/21/23

weekend trip to michigan was great! saw old friends and reminded me how much i love them! i hope they move here.

we went to a happy hour that has been going on for decades and danced with a bunch of old folks to a jam band. it rocked. also went to a disco party. went to a square dance at a barn. spent a lot of time at this cool arcade. went to detroit and saw the aquarium and some outdoor art.

i will finish knitting my sweater tonight! hanging out with my new friend again this week too. warm weather is making me feel energized and optimistic and in love!

2/16/23

had dinner with my parents last night. my dad showed me some photos we took as kids that he found. he also has a film video camera from that time that he wants to get the video from. my film is ready today but I can't pick it up because im leaving for my trip right after work

i think im gonna write a letter to my brother who never talks to me soon. just gonna keep sending like one letter a year.

2/15/23

had a meeting with the COO of my work today, weird but also cool bc he is approving us hiring more staff. also had my first review as a "supervisor" today and it was actually good and reminds me how much i enjoy my colleagues. they are good people!

going to my parents for dinner tonight. im sure my dad will be stressed about my traveling to michigan with snow in the forecast.

i need to pack for the trip. i am excited but i will miss my cats

2/14/23

rainy day, gonna take a nap after work. yummy dinner plans tonight and then some surprise excursion with Izzy :)

this weekend i go to a new city in Michigan ive never been to, seeing some good friends. really excited plus happy to have a looong weekend

i remember being a high schooler and never wanting a "9-5, live for the weekend job" and now that's what I have hahaha but honestly it's stable income, tolerable work, and i don't see another option for myself at this time...it sucks to think about how much time im at work but i also make the most of my time off work and am able to travel. im writing this at work too so i could certainly have a more demanding job

i love reading strangers journals on here, if youre reading this and don't know me, i think that's cool

2/13/23

participating in the Flound Town again. im bored at work and don't want to work. too many hours a week and occupying too much of my brain! taking my time back by flounding on the clock.

today my friend who was out of town for a week is back and we had lunch and laughed a lot. i love my friends and hearing about all the silly things they get up to. life is so funny and a real joke in the best way sometimes.

im going to visit a friend out of state this weekend, very excited. i also made a new friend recently! i am abundantly blessed with friendships.

im gonna get some film developed after work and maybe sweep my apartment. ciao

1/20/23

coming here for some solace. things have changed so rapidly in the lives around me and i fear change in my own life. im afraid of manifesting my fear. i realized in the last couple years how manifestation really does work. the direction and intention you pivot yourself towards is the direction you will follow. obviously there are things out of your control but in a more vague, emotional sense, you can control your mindset and how you want to feel and the situations you want to be in. you can direct your internal energy towards that.

i feel too young to feel this way, but im realizing how much life is really made by the relationships you have and the people in your life. its scary when the people in your life become the most important thing for you, but what else would be more important? my job? lol. am i supposed to put myself above the people I love?

i just want to dedicate myself to the people i love. but it's hard to trust that dedication will come back around. and i need to look out for myself too and not get lost in other people. but at the same time, when you have relationships that could be lifelong, you become intermeshed with those people, and that is community. and family. i just want to be surrounded by community and family and have a sense of safety in a world that can be so cold and isolate and terribly individual.

6/15/22

lost my journal so im writing in here again. just gave my cat some catnip and ran around with her. ive been thinking about money a lot recently. i have a simultaneous desire to spend and not be tied down by money and background anxiety about it. it scares me to think i won't ever be in a place to save enough to have a house and land and maybe kids. but im also 22 i have so much time. i think im going to make a budget to understand my expenses better.

ive had many good times with pals over the last couple weeks. i think this vapid heat is just making me want to stay in again. at least maybe this will make the weather being in high 80s low 90s feel really good. scares me that we are seeing the effects of climate change in our lifetime.

saw some really amazing live music last weekend. american basswood from kirksville will remain one of the best bands ever. mold gold was incredible. i love seeing my friends play music.

4/18/21

sad and nostalgic about moving. met someone really cool last week and we hung out everyday and then they just dropped off the face of the earth and stood me up.

im moving to stl in a couple weeks. ive made it through 2 interviews at a cool job. almost approved for a cool apartment. i think itll be hard but good.

3/9/21

it is my last spring break of college. I went to visit moldgold222 and E over the weekend. I have been feeling stuck in a depression but that trip reignited something in me. We also ate some fun mushrooms and I had probably the most spiritual trip of my life. It gave me so much fresh and much needed perspective. I'm really happy to be building off the spiritual work I've done over the years. More and more I am able to focus on what really matters and makes me feel alive. I'm probably going to write a longer form post about this on my Gemlog.

For now, I'm seeing my friends, spending time outside, writing, playing music, and reading. It feels good.

3/2/21

the last month has flown by. there is always so much work to be done. the full moon was saturday and i had a great weekend with treeprophet in wash, mo. things have felt weird this week, been very anxious and mad but also excited about spring. i found out my therapist quit (bc my school was forcing her to change employers and be paid less) and now im not sure ill be able to continue seeing her. that felt very bad and i felt very bad for everyone affected by her quitting.

some good things:

- im getting good at parallel parking

- my roomates cat finally groomed my cat today after 6 months of living together

- i got the first dose of the vaccine

- warm weather, playing sports, skateboarding

- going to des moines soon to see my pal

2/9/21

feeling really good this week. very happy in my relationship and my friendships right now. feeling confident and able to be on-top of work and school. made plans to move in with rhino after graduation, very exciting! feels good to have more concrete plans and i've begun looking at apartments and jobs.

getting more into mtg recently. re-constructing my elf commander deck as well as tightening up my 60 card merfolk deck for a tournament with friends coming up.

been really into tracking the different parts of the menstrual cycle. follow someone on tik tok who explains the different phases besides menstruation and how it impacts your energy. it feels really applicable and helps to manage mood changes for me.

2/3/21

bad vibes sad vibes day. going to class so i can get the points for being physically present. going to a meeting and then calling moldgold222. hopefully taking a nap later. going to see moldgold222 this weekend!

2/2/21

last night i overcame some exhaustion, played bass, and began recording a new song. couldn't sleep and went on a midnight walk. i wish i could walk whenever i wanted without being afraid of my safety. some car completed stopped and trailed slowly behind me for a while. it was scary but then they drove off. going on a walk prevented me from having a full on panic attack so that was good.

this morning i didn't play animal crossing like usual. i cried a bit, showered, and doodled. im thinking of trying to check in with myself by making a doodle of how im feeling. then i went to the post office to mail a letter to my good friend E. i miss being around E and moldgold222 so badly.

2/1/21

been really struggling with anxiety/depression and haven't posted on here in a bit. it feels like things are turning around but i still struggle to get out of bed. seeing my friends has been helpful. some good things have occurred! the lovely treeprophet gave me a bass and i am going to start recording my album. im helping rhino with her theater project and have to play a queer person mourning the death of her best friend who then falls in love with calico :) i preordered the new magic the gathering set box and will open them and draft with idi and treeprophet.

there's some good things happening with school but all the tasks are also overwhelming. im working on a project to plan and hopefully begin implementing a community garden. im really excited about this but i also know its going to take up a lot of time. im also trying to find time to be a human outside of homework and work! its so easy to fall into doing nothing and doom scrolling when im not completing a task. but then i start to feel like im not a person and dread everything i have to do. so yeah i need to do real living person things!! i am not just a worker!!

1/21/21

I'm usually pretty outspoken in my classes, but today in ethics i had to hold my tongue on a couple of things because i felt like 1. i was dominating the conversation and 2. my thoughts weren't super relevant to the core of the discussion. These were the comments I wanted to discuss more: my professor said there are no topics that cannot be joked about, and a kid in my class used the "functioning scale" to describe people with autism. I really wish I would've had the chance to respond to the student because I don't think people realize that it's dehumanizing to use those sorts of terms. Also, what we consider "functioning" usually equates to, being able to be exploited for labor, ie. taking orders and standing in one place doing a task.

After class, I went to the library with rhino and calico. We went for a study break walk and had the strangest experience. This guy (presumably a student) was talking to two girls who had that uncomfy, stuck in a conversation look to them. The guy was saying something about how sleep deprivation makes your brain unable to have rational thoughts but that it didn't affect him like that and he didn't need sleep. He was talking in this manic way, reminded me of myself on too much adderall.

We walked away and then decided to loop back around and see if they were still there. They were and we hovered near them, caught some of the conversation. He was talking about the difference between people who use social media because they actually care about it and those who don't. Mentioned that he never got any comments on his posts. Then he was started talking about how college is kinda a farce but he was using these phrases like he was trying to sound really impressive but not saying anything of substance or nuance. Talked about how gravity wasn't real. Told them to text him if they ever wanted to "learn more" or even get a job reference from him. They sounded really interested in what he had to say.

It was super bizarre and none of us could get a read on the situation. To me, he sounded like some boosted male ego who was questioning his reality when he got to college and thought he had uncovered something world-breaking.

Anyway, then i walked around with calico and flounderer98. It was really fun and we giggled a lot. Stole some plant cutting from the science building.

1/20/21

currently in class and realizing that i'm wearing my prof's ex-husbands shirt. which sounds weird but her ex-husband is actually just this really cool guy who i am good friends with. he recently cleaned out his attic and gave me a bunch of cool clothes.

the magic card im auctioning off is at $2100. pretty excited about that.

today i woke up longing for spring. i would love if the sun would at least melt the snow so i could skateboard. in the mood to neglect responsibilities and spend time outside.

1/18/21

today it was very hard to get out of bed. i played animal crossing in the morning and then worked at Deborah's. The logs didn't feel as heavy in my arms, i think im getting stronger. Her husband asked me a weird question about biden.

then i went to the library with some pals. i started auctioning off this miscut magic card on facebook that is apparently worth a lot. it's at $1500 right now and the auction ends sunday. I might buy a switch with the money. half is going to a friend though.

called my brother. made tofu. called treeprophet and went to hyvee to buy chocolate peanut butter ice cream. played pictionary online with moldgold222 and idi. played more animal crossing. answered emails.

i know that you sync cycles with the people around you but when im on period it feels like everyone i know is on theirs. the bob account tweeted about menstruation today. also it's always right after the full moon.

1/14/21

some good things happened today:

- today i bought 4 bags of kettle cooked pub mustard chips for $1 with c. we looked at every item at hyvee and giggled.

- my roommate brought home a huge plant today, it touches the ceiling and it's magnificent.

also i started EMDR which is draining but will be good. i feel like im training for a marathon but its therapy.

1/11/21

first day of classes. feeling like i'm not gonna hold back this semester, my last semester of college. can't wait to tell the prof, who controls my stipend and is responsible for me doing so much unpaid labor, that i cannot afford to buy the textbook for his class.

i wish i wasn't so pessimistic about school but i really am. academia sucks.

1/10/21

got too high and cried during king of the hill again. my brain feels melty.

this weekend i:

- watched the godfather part i and ii. really good but also very intense and sad. best character: the cat

- did some doodles and played vidya games with my tr*pping friends. made my heart feel peace again. really good.

- watched king of the hill and watched treeprophet watch king of the hill. my version of double monitor lightup keyboard is leaning my phone up against my laptop screen.

- sent emails. ope! its time to create an AI of myself to answer my e-mails! thank u 4 yr service AI mothbaby

1/5/21

thought to myself today, i should make a twitter, not follow anyone, and just shit post. and then i was like nah I should work on my flounder site! so here i am

astro weather update: tomorrow mars will leave aries (where it has been for 6 months) and enter taurus, we're going to be slowing down and relaxing, but watch out for over-indulgence. this energy is especially impactful for fixed signs (taurus, scoprio, leo, aquarius) i am currently eating too many oreos so already off to a great start